so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
