i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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