I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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Randomize
