Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
