No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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