Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
