If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You ruined the universe
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
