Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
