i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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