i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
