Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
