At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
