Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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