Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
