I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
