shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
