absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I supernannyed him into submission
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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