Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize