Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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