my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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