and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize