6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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