I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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