it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
