i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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