it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize