Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
