Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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