I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize