The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
