My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
