I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
