if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
