i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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