just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
return my video game
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm passing your future prison.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
