my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
