booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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