Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just gift wrapped bread.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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