I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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