Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
