My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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