My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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