She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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