it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she peed on how many people?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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