Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
