He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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