Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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