i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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