She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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