why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
