I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
