does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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