Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
