i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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