it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
This is the high leading the old right now
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
