Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
